This halftime is the best thing to happen to Kendrick Lamar and the worst thing to happen to anyone who has to explain what’s going on right now to their parents. #SuperBowl
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
So the ex texted me
sliding into dms like
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes