Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.