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-Balderdash!
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-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…