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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.