This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t