Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury