This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
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9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
hi why am I like this
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”