Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

LA today:

how to have fun when you’re poor

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch