This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
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If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
When news reporters do sports stories
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”