Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Google reviews are always so mixed..

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

congratulations to them

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Every time.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Cause of death: Zumba

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.