Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

the three branches of government

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

#dnd #ttrpg

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

So sorry

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.