This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.