This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
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Better luck next time champ
Going into Monday like
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs