Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.