This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
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It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now