This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
You Might Also Like
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.