You Might Also Like
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Dolls on drugs
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.