this has done me in for some reason
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.