this has done me in for some reason
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh