Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾