Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u