This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
wow
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.