Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?