This has made my week.
You Might Also Like
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
quarantine day 3
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!