This has made my week.
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Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.