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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
okay run it by me one more time
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.