This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
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I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
accurate
