This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
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to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*