This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
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*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
plums roundup
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
You are what you delete.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭