This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
You Might Also Like
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it