Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”