Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Introverted vegans go meetless

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Finally!

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.