Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.