@djdarrellripley

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

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@House_Feminist

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

@E_lok44

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

@Swishergirl24

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

@ColoChiver

Think of a number between 0 and 20 Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark isn’t it?

@IMBeanz

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

@rebrafsim

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

@StyloDad

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

@better_off_dad

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@TySmithdrums

Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

@RowanElHossary

I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.