This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.