(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Think of a number between 0 and 20 Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It’s dark isn’t it?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: “Can I see the baby?”
Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”
Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”
I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.