This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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Travel bloggers during quarantine
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese