This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Breaking news:
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly