This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.