This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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Not all heroes wear capes.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
scrabbled eggs
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery