This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.