Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

oh you like architecture? name three walls

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans