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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Watermelon Boss!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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