Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

*orders delivery*

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Just got to our Airbnb!

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid