This headline is a thing of beauty
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Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.