This headline is a thing of beauty
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
4yo: Do you want to come with us?
Me [driving]: Are you talking to your stuffie?
4yo [pointing at a cemetery we’re passing]: No, I’m talking to the dead people.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
🤣
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains