Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Just this preview of the story is enough

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.