Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.