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If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
The little toadstool has spoken.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.