Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

same but as an audience member

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

👀

this is the best day of my life

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Risking my life for fun.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

@funTweeters I am at your service….