this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
You Might Also Like
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
He took my last fry, your honor
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
😲 WTF? 😆
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!