Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are