@bammersacat: This holiday season, tell your kids the smoke detector is Santa’s camera and watch them clean their rooms like army cadets.
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@Mikecanrant: In my most recent study, Ive found that saying "I'll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot" to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana's purse.
@leechee420: A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn't know it was even possible to be this jealous.
@JazzTrombonist: I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition...while playing the trombone