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Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.


12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?


“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked


Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.


facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks


[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”


Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you


elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]


My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.


HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!