@bammersacat: This holiday season, tell your kids the smoke detector is Santa’s camera and watch them clean their rooms like army cadets.
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@iGreenMonk: "Hey. Can I call you back? I'm in a middle of something." "You said that a week ago." "Ya. I'm still working on it."
@idigcrazychics: You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF
@Rollinintheseat: *Comments on Facebook picture* "That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness."
@UncleDuke1969: *wakes up* *looks at clock* 7:42 am *gets out of bed* *remembers it's Saturday* *smiles* *lies back down* Dog: "Oh good, you're up!"