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@novicefather

Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.

@velweb

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

@thatdutchperson

“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked

@Julian_Deane

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

@mostlysharks

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

@KeetPotato

[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”

@AbbieEvansXO

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

@KeetPotato

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

@RoosterMustache

HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!