My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’m confused about plants
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.