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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.