This hospital has everything
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords