This hospital has everything
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
fourth time’s the charm
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing