@Only_Fast_Eddie

This hot fudge sundae hasn’t killed me so it must be making me stronger.

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@Cheeseboy22

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

@notviking

the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days

cop arresting me: i don’t care

@DothTheDoth

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

@prontopup

“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates

If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@TheFunnySayings

My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@iGreenMonk

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?

Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.

Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

@jrvarsitybench

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh