BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
This hot fudge sundae hasn’t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
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the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days
cop arresting me: i don’t care
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates
If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?
Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.
Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that