Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.