Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Yes my dude

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

This will never not be funny to me.