Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Only a mother’s love …

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

He just like my cat fr

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]