This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right


Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.


An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google


“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl


me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam


[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]


An 800 number calls me
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey


I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.


If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.