This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
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Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.