Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash