This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️