This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
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The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same