Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

How to find Kentucky on a map

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

🙁

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.