Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*