Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

2022: I can fix it

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation