Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!