this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
shut up and take my money
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”