This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Girl, same.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.