This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
#Caturday
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system