Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.