Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

My birthstone is pecan pie.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.