Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Our lord and savoury.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.